Limbo

February 18, 2011:

Immediately following the ultrasound I went to work. I was asked by a close coworker how the ultrasound went. I broke down in tears. This is when I decided to keep hope. I picked myself up. There were no definite answers and in my heart he was my healthy baby boy.

I received two phone calls from my OB. I did not answer them. I was in the middle of switching from an OB practice to a group of midwifes. My OB actually wrote up the ultrasound order. I knew she would receive the results. I decided it was best not to call her back. It was a Friday and I wanted to spend the weekend with my healthy baby boy. There was nothing I could do at this moment. Looking back I feel this was a smart choice on my part. I spent the weekend in a middle ground of worry and contentment but I held on with all of the hope I could muster.

I didn't call my OB but I did call my midwife who instructed me to get a second opinion. At this point in time I was still unsure what the ultrasound depicted with the exception of the mumbled words of the doctor saying the baby's head was abnormal and he had growth issues. I called to make an appointment for a Level 2 Ultrasound. They were already closed for the day. Leaving me in more of a limbo.

I spent the weekend in a somewhat upbeat positive demeanor. I shared the first picture of my baby boy to my close family. Although I did not feel comfortable announcing his sex in a formal manner. I was in a painful limbo but still continued to smile when and where I felt safe. I am unsure if it was because I truly thought everything was normal or because I knew this would be one of my last weekends carrying my healthy baby boy.