Reality

February 21, 2011:

I woke up Monday morning like any other Monday but with a reality of the past revelations. I knew I had to take action. I couldnt float within the clouds forever.

I arrived at work and watched the clock tick anxiously waiting to make my level 2 ultrasound appointment. They opened at 8:30 am. I called at 8:35. When under stress there are details that will forever remain etched in your mind. I was instructed to bring a copy of my previous ultrasound reports with me to my Friday 12pm appointment.

I hung up and called the hospital for a copy of my reports. After numerous calls back and forth they were able to locate my ultrasounds from the ER back in January and from my most recent which were done in L&D. I decided I would pick them up after work.

I felt in control. I called my midwife to let her know of my appointment and to let her know I located the ultrasounds and would be faxing them to her that evening.

Later that afternoon I missed another telephone call from my previous OB. It was at this moment I knew I needed to call her back and here what the ultrasound truly depicted and what it meant for my baby boy. I called her back and immediately began crying. She expressed her concern. I cried to her about the poor treatment I encountered at the hospital. Perhaps attempting to avoid to hear what was to come. Between cries of pain and fear she then told me that it was very important for me to see a genetic’s counselor. I told her I was going to get a second opinion. She told me that she would do the same but my baby boy was diagnosed “possible Dandy Walker variant” and the diagnosis is probable. This is the first time I had heard the term. She explained the seriousness over my cries. I dropped the phone onto my desk as I said goodbye.

I will never forget the incessant cries that left me breathless. I left work immediately after the telephone call. I probably shouldnt have drove myself home. I was in a transient state mixed with tears, anger and misbelief.

My sister met me at home. I asked her to pick up the hospital ultrasounds for me. I couldnt bear pick them up myself. She came back to the house after picking them up. She huged me and offered all of her support. She comforted me and told me the few words that have come to comfort me though everything ”God knows you are strong and have a support system to get you through this. That is why he chose you rather than someone else.” Deep and true coming from a 16 year old.

I gathered all of my strength and called my midwife. She explained the diganosis in more detail and referred me to a perinatal specialist who also if needed offers late-term terminations due to medical diagnosis.

At this point I still could not bear tell Armani about the possible diagnosis. At this point it was all real to me. I wanted to shelter him from the pain.

I called the perinatal specialist who expressed her concern over a Dandy Walker diagnosis. She wanted to see me ASAP due to being almost 19 weeks along and the severity of the diagnosis. It was at this point that I knew the prognosis wasnt good, not good at all.

I called my fiance, G immediately after I hung up the phone. The guilt I felt was heavy. He was strong. He assured me we would get through this together. My sister’s comforting words rang true.

We held each other tightly that night. We cried together. In between we discussed our options.